Every Single LinkedIn Post Ever

Writing thoughty-leady, viral, AND bacterial posts on LinkedIn is easier than you thought.

Reading these lately:

From The Atlantic piece:

“Blue-sky scenario, you would ditch the wheelhouses and start speaking more straightforwardly. But McCulloch warns that doing so may brand you as an iconoclast—something that’s more fraught for women and people of color, who already face greater barriers to acceptance in the workplace. For many workers, it can be risky to tell your boss that you’re going to “come up with really random, insane ideas to see if you like any of them,” rather than that you plan to “think outside the box.” So rather than disrupting the status quo, you may just want to leverage your ability to speak Corporate in order to bring more to the table. At least until you become the boss.”

I’m recently off social. Insta. Twitter. Facebook. Reddit even. I permanently deleted all accounts— except LinkedIn. At first glance, it’s one that has the silhouette of something useful. Since I’ve never spent much time on it, I’ve been trying to make that determination as of late. Is it useful? Not sure, but here’s what I’ve noticed so far.

Everyone’s posts mostly fall into one of five categories:

  • Blatant Humble Brag Inspired By Michael Bay Screenplay

  • Thoughty-Leady Quotes; Me A Guru

  • I Noticed A Limited, Specific Problem—Industry solved.

  • I’m A Boss Who Believes In Human Dignity, Impressed?

  • I’m So Different Now. But Not How You’d Expect.

Maybe The Most Common Post To Emulate

Don’t worry about being different. Social media isn’t the place for that, especially not LinkedIn. Remember, it’s about the status quo if you want to “bring more to the table”.

Post Type: Blatant Humble Brag Inspired By Michael Bay Screenplay

I’m going to warn you- this one may be the most challenging to pull off. You have to know the basic elements of storytelling. Whether you learned from the OGs of story craft, Joseph Campbell or John McPhee, or the more recent marketers who’ve repackaged it all as something new, like Donald Miller or Simon Sinek, makes no difference. The fact is you’ll need to spin a yarn a here. The Michael Bay part of this is the saccharine predictability of it all. Find a way to insert a few lines of dialogue if you really want to swing for the fences. Also consider writing in a love interest. People. Will. Flip. Their. Ever-Loving. Likes at you.

Here’s an example:

When I first started Zip Digit, I didn’t know a thing about ecommerce, much less optimal payment processing percentages.

And after many sleepless nights and nearly defaulting on two loans early on, I thought about quitting. I even spoke with our attorney about bankruptcy proceedings.

Looking back, I’m still not sure why our clients stuck by us in those dark days, and I don’t think I’ll ever know.

But today, after our 37th new hire, after our 4th Goochers Internet Banking Goochie Award, and even all the pain-staking fits and starts, I’m happy to say we just, as of this morning, crossed the Visa “2 Million Processed” Partnership threshold.

We really couldn’t have done it without our patient, trusting customers.

Give it a shot using the formula below:

Can’t find the right self-congratulatory headspace? Try spinning this before you write:

Here’s what you don’t want:

Anything more authentic.

When I first started Zip Digit, I didn’t know a thing about anything really. People, software, computers—anything we do now.

And after my first wife made me sleep on the couch for 2 years and her and her family staged an intervention because our life was falling apart, I thought about quitting. I even went and looked for one-bedroom apartments so nothing would stand in the way of me and my precious.

Looking back I’m still not sure why my kids still love me, and I don’t think I’ll ever know.

But today, after 2 wives, after 1 divorce, and even all the cash it’s costed me; I’m happy to say this new wife isn’t phased by my emotional detachment or workaholism whatsoever.

I really couldn’t have done it without great legal counsel and this modern dating app for high-net professionals that matches high-earners, like myself, with matches who are at least 20 years younger, have had at least 2 operations, and whose face scan is assessed on a proprietary 127-points of aesthetic beauty algorithm.

Next time, I’ll show you how to master another wildly successful type of LinkedIn post: Thoughty-Leady Quotes; Me A Guru.